Archive for September, 2012

here’s something that i wrote up for the oscars back in feb 2012:

when i was a little baby gay, barely nine-years-old, i used to do a lot of things which would’ve suggested to anyone with a brain that i was going to grow up to be a queen. i played with barbies, i played with “my little pony” toys, and i dressed up like the pink power ranger. later, when i was twelve (in other words, after i had taken sex-ed), i even tried to mate my male pokemon together. the little digitized pokemon-breeder on my screen would be all like “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! You need a ♂ and a ♀ Pokémon! Silly boy!”

but he might as well have been like, “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! It’s against God! Stupid as*hole!”

but there was another tell-tale thing that i did, and i am not at all ashamed to say that i still do it today. i watch the oscars. but here’s my beef with them: love the dresses, love the celebs, hate the ceremony. i even have a few suggestions for how they can make things better.

(1) no lay-person cares about the winners for best editing, best cinematography, etc., right? so what the oscar people should do is hide a little table like fifty feet away from the red carpet where the winners of these categories can pick up their oscars before the ceremony. i mean, if the winners really feel the need to make a big deal about it, then they can tell their acceptance speeches to the E! Online interns who are manning the table.

(2) you know that random dude who narrates the lives of all the winners as they walk up to the stage? you know, “this is Natalie Portman’s second Oscar nomination, and first win?”that guy? yeah, um… why is he so freaking boring? If this were a REAL ceremony, he’d be saying stuff like, “this is the second time that Natalie Portman has slept with the head of the Academy, and the first time that she has blackmailed him into awarding her with the Oscar. “

or instead of “this is Meryl Streep’s seventeenth career nomination, and third career win,” it would be “Meryl Streep owns at everything.”

(3) i only thought of two things. onto the nominees!

  • the help: you know, i was actually taking notes during this movie. after all, i’m probably gonna have to know how to treat my own help one day. but let’s be real, the actual help ratio in my house will be three pool boys to every maid:

me: “a little more to the right, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “yes, sir.”

me: “good. now hang up your speedo to dry, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “but sir! that means i’ll be naked!”

[pause]

me: “yes.”

  • war horse: so basically this movie is about a horse that gets separated from his master, does a lot of heroic horse stuff, and then finds his master again. but seriously … all the heroic horse stuff he did? SO not worth it. if i were that horse, and i finally got to see my master again, i’d be like, “dude, do you realize how many cannonballs i had to dodge just to get here? like, i broke BOTH of my hooves trying to run across that battlefield to see you. BOTH HOOVES. so if you EVER try to ride me again, i swear to god i will buck you right off of me and poop all over your face.”
  • harry potter: oh wait…THAT’S right…it wasn’t nominated! i hope the academy knows that when they didn’t nominate this movie, a thousand angels died in heaven.
  • extremely loud and incredibly close: that title is basically lindsay lohan on an average weekend night.
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like most people, i had a few one night stands in college. here is one of them.

the scene: halloween of my junior year in college.

the outfit: “sexy train conductor,” which basically meant i was naked except for some overalls. (the idea was that all oncoming traffic would be conducted into my bed that night.)

the idea worked like a charm. within three minutes of walking into a frat basement, this hot dude in a dress shirt and tie started chatting me up. within three minutes after THAT, he was feeling my biceps. smooth, right? but whatever, it was halloween, so he was probably tipsy. plus, he was a resident at a neuroscience clinic. in my head, that just meant OMG I’M ABOUT TO MAKE OUT WITH DEREK SHEPHERD.

so obvi this was going to go somewhere. after i was forced to look at pictures of his friend’s baby daughter, we marched into the promising darkness and staleness of Frat Row, where he halted in his tracks.

“what?” i asked.

“i forgot my jacket,” said Dr. Shepherd.

“let’s get it tomorrow!” i whined. “my room is two minutes away.”

“no i NEED my jacket,” the doc insisted. “i left it at another party like a mile from here.”

he started walking up to a campus security officer.

“NO!” i screamed, but it was too late. he was asking the campus security guy if he could get a ride to pick up his jacket.

but the officer had to walk inside a frat to do his rounds first, so the doc strutted back to me.

me: “well, i guess this is goodbye then.”

doctor shepherd: “what do you mean?”

me: “i’m underage and i’ve had a few drinks!!! you can’t make me ride with campus security!! that’s like asking anne frank to casually accept a ride from a car full of Nazis!!”

but then he did the HOTTEST thing that anyone’s ever done to me. he lifted me up, thrust me into the security car, and made out with me right there in the middle of frat row.

“Ahem.”

there was the officer, right behind us, clearing his throat.

*****

cut to: the most awkward car ride ever. but that turned out to be a good thing, because that meant that i didn’t say anything, which meant that they didn’t realize i was tipsy, which meant that i didn’t get arrested.

so we finally made it to my room, where Dr. Shepherd squealed in delight after seeing my piano.

“I CAN PLAY FUR ELISE!!!” he proclaimed.

and he did. but since he was tipsy, it sounded more like the piano keys were fighting each other and no one was winning.

then he saw my organic chemistry book and squealed in even greater delight. “omg i LOVE orgo.”

of course he loved orgo.

doc shepherd: “do you have a quiz soon?”

me: “yeah, i have a test in two days.”

doc: “OMG, can i help you study?”

me: “ummmm…..maybe later? can we just, uh…”

i patted the bed.

doc: “oh!! right! i forgot”

then things started heating up.

so many things happened that i can’t write here. but guess what happened when we woke up the next morning? he quizzed me in orgo.

i ended up getting an A-.

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the age: twelve. brink of puberty.

the place: air and space museum camp.

the tagline, if this blog post were to be turned into a movie:

“most people’s first kisses come with butterflies. his came in a bathroom.”

the story:

imagine me as a twelve year old. you probably see a baby-faced fairy princess with sparkly cutoff jean shorts and a “little mermaid” lunchbox.

wrong.

middle school was my awkward pretend-to-be-straight phase. it didn’t work —- i got picked on for having “gay voice” on a regular basis —- but i never relented. i played video games. i wore the blandest outfits i could find. i even tried to like sports.

so anyway, i was at air and space camp, doing my straight thing, hanging out with the guys, when one of the counselors picked up on my “gay voice” and decided to question me about my sexual orientation.

(btw, he was only three years older than me, so it wasn’t weird.)

but anyway, one day he asked me straight up, “are you gay?”

imagine my shock!! i thought i was doing a good job playing it straight! i even purposefully put holes in my wifebeaters so it would look like i didn’t care about my appearance!

me: “no.”

him: “are you bi?”

me: “no!!”

him: “do you want to find out if you are?”

me: “NO!!!”

[pause]

“maybe.”

cut to the end of the day. as all of the other exhausted, ruddy-faced twelve year olds came down from their sugar highs and waited for their parents to pick them up, my camp counselor snuck me away ”to check out one of the new exhibits.” [i knew it was a euphemism, but my curiosity got the best of me.]

guess what the exhibit was? HIS PEE-PEE.

j/k. but almost.he scouted out a bathroom that wasn’t being patrolled by security guards [sketch], and he took me inside. then he told me he was going to show me how to french kiss [soooooo sketch.]

his instructions: ”lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and lick your lips.”

my interpretation: “lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and open your mouth so wide that you look like you’re ready for someone to shove a Big Mac down your throat.”

basically, i was standing with my back to the wall, spread-eagled, squeezing my eyes shut and opening my mouth in a giant OH.

so awkward.

but he went for it anyway. he made out with me, even though i looked like i was ready to get my stomach pumped.

and then, of course, a few seconds after we were done, the door opened and a middle-aged man walked in with his little boy, and suddenly i was playing it cool and strolling over to the urinal.

but that middle-aged man definitely saw what he thought he saw, and what i didn’t want him to see: a small awkward white boy pulling away suddenly from a suave, slightly-older, slightly-sketchy black camp counselor. who knows what he was thinking. drug deal? bathroom brawl? he probably didn’t guess that it was my first kiss.

yup, my first kiss. awkward. unsatisfying. slightly unnerving. kind of like sex with hugh hefner [those poor girls.]

add high school, college, broader shoulders, and eight harry potter movies, and you get: A HOT MESS. congrats, you now understand my life.


you didn’t really think i was going to stop at six princesses, did you?

(7) alice in wonderland

  • what happened: alice was having some serious ADD while her sister was reading boring history stuff to her, so she decided to chase after a white rabbit and ended up falling down a hole where she saw all sorts of crazy hallucinatory nonsense. then she took some random food from a talking doorknob and her butt grew like eighty sizes.
  • what it taught me: if you don’t like sitting through a history lecture, then just take some acid and it will keep you busy for the next 90 minutes. also, don’t eat something if you don’t know how many calories are in it, because you’ll probably grow a jean size or eighty.

(8) pocahontas

  • what happened: pocahontas didn’t have any real friends, so instead she hung out with a binge-eating raccoon, a hummingbird, and a talking tree. somehow, she still ended up bagging a tall hot blonde guy.
  • what it taught me: it’s totally fine if you’re socially awkward, as long as you’re super hot. also, it’s perfectly ok to take a dude on a musical romp through the forest for your first date, as long as you spend half of it blankly staring into the wind and showing off your breasts.

(9) sleeping beauty

  • what happened: maleficent cursed aurora when she didn’t get invited to her christening party, so when aurora turned sixteen she pricked her finger on maleficent’s spinning wheel and passed the eff out.
  • what it taught me: if you don’t get invited to a party, you should just kill the person who threw it.

(10) beauty and the beast

  • what happened: the prince got turned into a beast after giving an elderly woman the cold shoulder, but he still got belle to love him after throwing some snowballs at her and then giving her an entire library
  • what it taught me: if a guy is super rich and gives you lots of expensive stuff, then it doesn’t matter if he’s ugly as hell [also see: “things that anna nicole smith taught me.”] but more importantly, you should help every elderly woman that you ever see in your entire life.

get it together

Posted: September 6, 2012 in Is This Real Life?
Tags: , , , , ,

recently i went out on a friday night. nbd, right? normally. but while my betches and I were out being ridic, i stumbled a little bit and swung my hands out to use random gays as support to keep me from falling. most of them didn’t mind, but when i grabbed one gay’s shoulder for support he just SEIZED the back of my head and started making out with me. this was my legit thought process:

WTF IS HAPPENING…oh wait…i’m, like, totally making out with someone right now…wait, is he cute?…OH HELL TO THE NO, THIS DUDE IS NOT CUTE AT ALL.

so i pushed him off of me, and i said “GIRL I’m just trying to WALK right now.”

and omg, that guy just about made my heart break for him. he pulled out his phone and started pretend-texting, and he had the saddest look on his face. it was like i had just told him that someone had assassinated lady gaga, destroyed every existing copy of the wizard of oz, and cancelled the entire real housewives franchise…ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

but seriously? like, just because i have droopy eyelids and my tongue is sort of hanging out of my mouth does NOT mean that i’m trying to seduce you. what it means is that it’s a friday night and i’ve had a few drinks. get it together.

note: this post is basically just a transcription of my conversation with busted bollywood boy. obviously i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have reproduced it to the best of my knowledge.

*****

let’s pick up where i left off!

so here i was, in the middle of starbucks, with a gay train wreck wagging his finger at me and jabbering about star trek.

after a minute or so of that mess, i had just about had enough.

but right as i was about to call 911, he put his finger away, calmed down, and finished his rant. for about ten seconds, neither of us said a word…until finally i sighed, motioned to the other chair, took a sip from my coffee, and started our date.

*****

me: “so what do you do?”

busted bollywood boy: “i’m an I.T. guy.”

me: “do you like the people in your office?”

busted bollywood boy: “yeah, for the most part. except for the lesbian accountant.”

me: “why?”

bbb: “i DESPISE her. i think her lesbian actions are sinful, and i think she’s going to hell.”

me: “wait, so you’re saying that being a lesbian is sinful?”

bbb: “yes.”

me: “and you don’t see any irony in that?”

bbb: “no.”

[pause]

me: “…so you don’t even like listening to melissa etheridge songs?”

bbb: “well, sometimes. but while we’re on topic, you should probably also know that i hate bisexuals.”

me: “wait, are you one of those people who doesn’t think they exist?”

bbb: “no, i know they exist, and i hate them. they’re all monsters.”

me: “like, voldemort-style monsters? as in, they’re super smart and evil? or do you mean they’re more like sea monsters and cyclops…like, super destructive but also kind of stupid?”

bbb: “i mean, they’re monsters in the sense that they CONSUME everything. boys, girls, they just want it ALL.”

[at this point, some rando from another table decides to butt in.]

rando: “excuse me, i’d just like to say that i’m bisexual and i’m NOT a monster.”

me: “i’m so sorry. i don’t actually know this guy.”

rando: “right. i’ve heard that one before.”

me: “no, i’m serious. i literally just met him.”

rando: “yeah, ok, whatever bitch.”

[i decide against getting into an argument, and turn away from the rando]

me: “so this is a fun topic. what other things do you hate?”

bbb: “black people.”

me: “are you serious right now?”

bbb: “they’re all monkeys.”

me: “monkeys?”

bbb: “yes, like the kind that throws sh*t at people.”

me: “no, i know what monkeys are, but…”

bbb: “their music gives me headaches and their tv shows make me nauseous.”

me: “wait, what black tv shows do you watch?”

bbb: “star trek: deep space nine.”

[pause]

bbb: “so what do you hate?”

me: “running out of soap, forgetting to bring my coupons to the grocery store, and waiting for the new season of true blood.”

bbb: “no, i meant, like, what races and ethnicities do you hate?”

[pause]

me: “none, but i hate you.”

bbb: “i’m not an ethnicity.”

me: “i don’t care.”

[pause]

bbb: “i like you.”

me: “seriously?”

bbb: “yeah. do you wanna f*ck after this?”

me: “sure! we could put on babyface and cuddle till morning. i don’t have to work tomorrow.”

bbb: “wait, really?”

me: “no. you disgust me.”

bbb: “can i at least give you a ride home?”

me: “no, i’m good.”

bbb: “but the buses aren’t running right now! and didn’t you say you were staying far away from here?”

me: “yes.”

bbb: “so you’d rather walk by yourself for forty minutes than get in the car with me for five minutes?”

me: “that is correct.”

bbb: “okay. well, goodnight.”

me: “goodnight.”

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so i briefly opened an OK Cupid account last year, and can i just tell you…there were SO MANY DUDS on that site.

for example, one sent me a message that just said “Woof!”

like, wtf was i supposed to say to that?? does that mean he wanted to sniff my crotch and pee on my leg? b/c i’m not super into that scenario

ANYway … i actually have a horror story about online dating, which i will now share with you.

when i was 18, i stayed in san diego for a term to do an internship at a museum and visit family. for the first day or two, i didn’t know anyone in town other than family…so i turned to online dating sites in order to find guys to date. being a dumb 18 year old, i turned to CRAIGSLIST. like, seriously?? i’m incredibly disappointed with my 18 year old self. like, he should have KNOWN that craiglist is not for dating. it’s for hooking up. i mean, it’s an advertising site. so if you post something on there about yourself, then you’re literally advertising yourself. which makes you a whore.

so not surprisingly, within five minutes of posting, i got twenty pictures of dicks. pretty soon, more dicks came. and then some more. within thirty minutes, i had literally a hundred dicks on my computer. big dicks, small dicks, curvy dicks, straight dicks, hard dicks, soft dicks, happy dicks, sad dicks. AND THEY WERE ALL IN FRONT OF MY FACE. suddenly, i understood what it felt like to be lindsay lohan on a friday night.

but there was one picture on my comp which was NOT of a dick. in fact, it was a picture of a super attractive indian guy with a message that said “hey, what’s up? i’m new in town too, wanna grab coffee?”

obvs i said yes, and obvs i was in starbucks the next day in a super cute polo shirt and prep shorts, pretending to read a book but actually checking out everyone in the store.

while i was waiting for my tall handsome date to show up, some 5’2” fugly indian guy with dwight schrute glasses and a star trek t-shirt started walking towards my table. natch, i started to worry. he’s just some random guy asking for directions somewhere, i thought. there’s no way he’s my date. but then, in a horrific epiphany, i realized that the picture he had sent me was that of a bollywood actor.

obviously i was not about to cop to talking to him on craigslist, since i’m morally opposed to fakery, hypocrisy, and talking to fugly guys.

busted bollywood boy: “hey, are you evan?”

me: “what?”

bbb: “are you evan? from craigslist?”

me: “i’m sorry, i don’t understand. what is craigslist?”

bbb: “you’re definitely evan.”

me: “hmm..let me think..oh, wait, you said EVAN? yes, that is my name. why?”

bbb: “we spoke on craigslist.”

me: “no, i don’t think WE spoke on craigslist. i was speaking with someone else.”

bbb: “oh, i see whats going on. so you’re saying that you don’t want to talk to me now, because i don’t look like my picture.”

me: “well, unless you have a mask on, and you’re actually that dude from your picture underneath, then yes, you are absolutely correct.”

bbb: “well, i drove thirty minutes to get here, and i’m not just going to let you dismiss me like we’re on the MTV reality show ‘Next.’ you’re going to LISTEN to what i have to say, and you will LIKE my personality.”

me: “…”

bbb: “…and you will LAUGH at my jokes, and you will ENJOY talking about star trek.”

me: “…”

bbb: “because i have a GOOD personality, and you will RESPECT that.”

*****

um, this dude had LEARNED me. obvs, i was going to go through with this date, because not only was i afraid that he was about to flip the table over and dump his coffee on my crotch, but also i was super intrigued by him.

i mean, here was this gay train wreck, all up in my face, learning me and finger-wagging all over the place like he was jennifer hudson in dreamgirls. i’m actually surprised he didn’t start singing “and i am telling you i’m not going”

but seriously, how could i have that happen to me and NOT be like, “this is going to make an amazing story one day, i should probably wait and see what else happens”

right?

part two to come!