The Real Housewives of Everywhere

Posted: October 2, 2012 in Is This Real Life?
Tags: , , , , ,

Love these women. Except for Dana/Pam from Beverly Hills. Like seriously, what is up with her? She’s trying to teach her toddler how to speak THAI. There are two things wrong with that. One: how is that going to come in handy in his lifetime, except for when he’s older and he’s ordering a prosty in Bangkok? Two: toddlers can’t even speak ENGLISH when they’re three years old. How is “goo goo ga ga” going to sound any different if it’s in Thai? I mean, toddlers basically just stumble around, bump into things, drool, cry, and poop their pants. Like two-foot-tall Lindsay Lohans.

Enough about Pam, though. Can I just talk about how much I love all the other housewives? I mean, you can forget about DC, obvs. And you can also forget about Miami, if only because it’s responsible for the following person/alien:


In this picture, she’s saying, “No, really, my face looks like this all the time. Please stop dialing 911.”

But then there’s New Jersey, which makes all of my wildest dreams come true. I mean, let’s be real, it’s mostly b/c of Teresa. She’s a paragon of class, poise, charm, manners, and composure:


Like, she’s pretty much my role model.

If I had to pick a fav show, though, it would def be Beverly Hills. It has everything: a crazy druggie [Kim], a gorgeous mean-girl [Kyle], an annoying social-climber [Dana/Pam], an annoying gimp [Brandi], a bitchy Brit [Lisa], a socially-inept bombshell [Camille], a transsexual [Adrienne], and a woman who looks like she has a pair of sea slugs where her lips should be [Taylor, below.]


I mean, besides the fact that Adrienne and her ex-husband basically look like the exact same person, and the fact that Kim’s second-season boyfriend was basically, um, Shrek, this show is pretty much perfect. It’s funny [Kyle and Lisa’s one-liners], melodramatic [Taylor screaming at the limo-driver to pull over just so she can smoke a cig], and super bitchy [Kyle making fun of Brandi’s nipples.]

BUT. Apparently the third season is going to mostly get rid of Camille and make Brandi a full-timer!! Plus we have a whole new housewife, “former model” Yolanda Foster:


I’m guessing she was a hand model?

OK, that’s about it I guess. I mean, I’d talk more about it, but I’m tired. [Like, I just did a Google search of “what would happen if sea slugs ate your lips,” so I think I’m sort of losing it.]



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