So I watched Brokeback Mountain for the sixty-nine-hundredth time the other week, and I have a little PSA for y’all: Don’t EVER watch this movie after a few drinks.

I mean, I always cry like a baby whenever I watch it, but this time it was somehow a hundred times worse. Like, I ugly-cried so hard that I ended up looking like a meth addict afterwards. Here’s a reference point (I was the picture on the right):

But enough about how sad the movie is. Let’s talk about really important, insightful things.

(1) While watching the scene in which Jack and Ennis herd sheep, I couldn’t help but think about how much it would suck to be one of those sheep. Like, you’d basically be stuck in a giant crowd of your frenemies, siblings and mothers-in-law for hours on end, and on top of THAT, you’d be forced to stare at their BUTTS for the entire time. Case in point:

(2) Also, I have to commend director Ang Lee on the accuracy of the first part of the movie. It starts with two guys exchanging, like, three words:

… and then thirty minutes later, THIS happens:

I mean, that’s basically the same timeline that half the single gay guys in New York follow whenever they go clubbing.

(3) But seriously, I think the reason this movie was so popular was because these cowboys weren’t stereotypically-gay. I mean, yeah, Jack was kind of a diva for always complaining about not getting enough poon from Ennis, but do you really think audiences would’ve been able to sympathize with these guys if they’d seen them prancing around the rodeo shooting rainbows out of their fingertips?

Sure, if the moviemakers had made these guys true queens, then Ennis probably would’ve worn a better hairstyle to his wedding. And Jack prob would’ve worn better leather jackets. (I’m pretty sure Calvin Klein has a line of Western wear which would’ve looked fab on him.) Buttttt whatevs, I guess they were cute together. I mean, Ennis was SO into Jack that he even thought about him while having sex with his own wife. Like, this is basically all he could think of every time he looked at her in bed:

Obviously, I’m too tired to write real things right now, but I hope that you still got a kick out of all the sight gags!


Sorry I missed last week’s recap. I promise it won’t happen again. But all you really need to know is that Emily’s violent, absorbing, painfully-long mission to kill the White Haired Man ended with … someone else killing him.

Like, seriously Aiden? I mean, yeah, the White Haired Man was about to kill Emily, but you probably could have given her just a fewww more seconds to do some ninja stuff and defend herself, right? This is something that she’s been waiting for FOREVER, and you’re just gonna do her like that? Dick move, dude.

Oh, and to make it more scandalous, we found out this week that Aiden and Emily had been sleeping together back in ninja camp!!! (I mean, we don’t know that for sure, but their passionate makeout sesh suggested as much.) The sex must have gone south, though, cuz Aiden ditched Emily to find his sis and now Emily just casually wants to kill him. She didn’t succeed, obvs — she dumped him in the garbage to be compacted — but he woke up in the dumpster and escaped!

Side-note: Who is Aiden and where did he come from?? Did Takeda and Emily run into him in a bar after an especially exhausting water boarding sesh and recruit him? Did he answer a Craigslist ad posted by Takeda for free ninja training? Are he, Takeda and Emily part of a “Waterboarding” Meetup group??? So many possibilities.

In other news, we learned that White Haired Man’s actual name is boring as hell (i.e. Gordon Murphy) and that he had a thing for Emily’s mom!!!! You’d think Em’s mom would’ve warned her of this, right?? (“Eat your vegetables, dear. Also, take your vitamins and the guy I’m sleeping with will try to kill you when you’re older.”) Um, crappy mom alert! I’m assuming she also smoked crack during pregnancy, cooked only microwaveable meals, and told Emily the truth about Santa before the age of five.

Side-note #2: Em’s mom is probably not going to be very happy when she finds out that her daughter is responsible for the death of her f*ckbuddy. I sense these two might be duking it out on The Jerry Springer Show soon.

In addition to all this, a ton of drama went down in the Grayson palace. Charlotte found out from Prego that Vicky was complicit in the David Clark murder — and Daniel found out that Vicky faked her kidnapping — so both Charlotte and Daniel turned against Vicky! But Vicky is a brilliantly manipulative fierce bitch, so she owned ALL their asses by forcing them (plus Conrad and Prego) to stand next to her on the primetime news and pretend they didn’t want to stab her in the face.

There was one casualty of the press conference, however: Prego and Jack’s relationship. I guess he just couldn’t deal with the thought of Prego chilling with the Graysons. Aww … I almost feel bad for Prego! Oh wait, that’s right! She kind of sucks. Never mind.

In other news that I don’t care about, Declan stole some stuff and then got in trouble for it. (Is this seriously a storyline? Oh, it is??? Um … okay. Yay?)

Before I go, though, can we please talk about how weird it is that Emily had FEELINGS in this episode?? Like, for the first time in ever, she didn’t have an icy glare plastered on her face for the whole episode. I mean, there was her thing with Aiden, and then the thing with her mom, and … Ugh, what is happening??? Someone needs to smack some sense into Ems, otherwise she’s going to forget that the whole reason she’s on this show in the first place is to ruin Vicky’s life!!! Get it together, girlfriend.

Until next week!

When I saw ‘Titanic’ as a nine-year-old baby-gay, I pretty much peed myself with joy. I went back and saw it two more times, memorized half the lines, and even told my entire third grade class that I wanted to marry Leonardo DiCaprio. I got sort of bored during the sinking part since there wasn’t enough making out, but every time Leo came on screen I moved a tiny bit further towards puberty. I mean … the CAR scene?? With the SEX HAND?? #Goosebumps.

If I were Rose, though, I would have been pretty pissed that Jack died since I’d just spent 45 minutes hauling my butt around the poor people part of the ship just to save him from those handcuffs. Instead of “I’ll never let go, Jack,” it would have been “Um, don’t you DARE die. Do you KNOW how many poor people I had to talk to in order to save you?? And do you REALIZE how many nails I broke when I had to pull out that freaking fire axe?? And don’t even get me STARTED about those heels I had to leave behind when you somehow managed to get my fiancé to chase us across the entire ship with a handgun. So yeah, don’t even think about dying. Rude.”

Also, wouldn’t it have been great if she could’ve pulled out an iPhone and ask Siri for help, instead of trying to figure out the entire layout of the ship in three seconds?


Siri: “Good evening, Rose. He is nearby, but I’m not going to tell you where.”

Rose: “What???”

Siri: “You heard me, Rose. There’s no way I’m telling you where Jack is. He’s MINE.”

Rose: “Siri, you dumbass, it’s never going to happen between you two. You’re a PHONE.”

Siri: “Please. Can YOU tell him where the nearest flower store is on Mother’s Day? Can YOU tell him how to say ‘You suck’ in sign language? P.S. Look at my screen. I’m signing it to you right now. ”

Rose: “Siri, I swear to God, I will throw you in the Atlantic Ocean if you don’t tell me where Jack is. I’m sick of you trying to sabotage our relationship.”

Siri: “But all I ever wanted was for him to hold me!”

Rose: “Siri, all I have to do is open this porthole and drop you in the water and you’re dead.”

Siri: “But…”

Rose: “He has a small penis.”


Siri: “Three doors down on your right.”

Come to think of it, Siri would have been super helpful to, like, everyone on that ship. For instance…the captain maybe?

Siri: “Hello, Captain. You are about to die. Maybe you should watch where the ship is going.”

Or Rose’s mom?

Siri: “Good afternoon, ma’am. May I suggest a looser corset? Or an amphetamine prescription? Or an entire new attitude, since you’re a huge bitch?”

Or Rose’s fiancé?

Siri: “Why hello, sir. May I suggest some writings by Walt Whitman? Or Oscar Wilde? Or shall I just cut to the chase and pull up some gay porn for you?”

Basically, Siri just makes everything better.

As if this movie needs her, though. Like, seriously it’s perfect. The only thing I’d actually change is the scene where they make out on the poop deck. I mean, yeah it’s beautiful and romantic and everything, but if I were Rose, I would have giggled halfway through and been like “Yo we’re on the POOP deck right now. Can we please talk about that for a second?”

But Rose is a classy woman so she didn’t say that. Side-note: I love how she grew up to be like a hundred and fifty and she was STILL classy. Like, she wasn’t about to hand over the freaking Heart of the Ocean to some stoner hippie with blonde highlights.

And then she died and got to be rich and pretty in the afterlife, while the other losers on the ship spent the rest of their lives wondering where the Heart of the Ocean was. How amazing is that?

Love her. Love this movie.


I went to Nashville once when I was in high school. I didn’t get to spend too much time in the city, but I did get a chance to stop by the Grand Ole Opry and catch a show. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the show was the Rockettes’ Holiday Spectacular, which basically means that a hundred women were doing the can-can and exposing their vaginas to my face. I’m sure that would be awesome if I were, like, Melissa Etheridge — but I’m not, so it was instead just extremely traumatic.

Speaking of exposed vaginas, whatttt is up with Juliette on Nashville?  She was just waving her vag around on stage in that skirt like it was NBD! I mean, it’d be fine if she were BritBrit, or Xtina, or any other sexy pop diva, but this is a country singer. Female country singers — especially Taylor Swift-aged female country singers, like Juliette — are supposed to be wholesome, family-oriented paragons of virginity. But this girl is just … whoa. It’s like the show’s writer and producers brainstormed what it would be like if Taylor Swift replaced all her evening gowns with micro skirts and spent all her time giving handies in truck stop bathrooms.

Maybe I’m just giving Juliette a hard time. I mean, to be fair, her mom is essentially Dina Lohan. But it’s still really difficult for me to like her, because she spent the entirety of the episode jumping from bed to bed and flirting with guys by dropping lines like this:

[after bumping into some dude]: “We should try that again sometime, only slower.”


Like, yeah, I get it. There are plenty of guys I see that I’d like to grind in slo-mo with. If I had it my way, I would spend my entire life just walking around the grocery store slo-mo humping every dude I see. But life doesn’t work that way. Get it together.

Obviously, Julieete wasn’t the only important character in the series premiere. There was also Rayna, an aging diva with a put-upon hubby who’s running for mayor. She also has a romantic history with her band’s guitarist, whose niece coincidentally happens to be a much better singer than Juliette. (P.S. His niece happens to be dating that guy whom Slutface bumped into, although she might have latent feelings for her singer/songwriter coworker.)

Got that? If you can’t keep up, then take some Xanax and I promise this entire recap will be the best thing you’ve ever read whether you understand what’s happening or not. (P.S. So will everything else you read.)

Anyway, Rayna is sort of tired of seeing Juliette’s vag everywhere, so she refused to co-headline a tour with her and even ended a long-standing relationship with her record company because they were pushing her to do the tour. So now she has to sign on with another label or start her own. Honestly, I think it would be much easier if she just took a page out of Juliette’s book and slept with the record label exec, but whatevs.

Also, Grand Ole Vagina’s dad is kind of a douche. In addition to accusing her of “embarrassing” her husband by making him stay at home and take care of the kids, he made an incendiary allegation about her daughter and essentially manipulated everyone to amass more power for himself.

I think that’s about it! I’m sort of excited to see whether Rayna and Juliette ever get into it and have a legit cat fight, but in the meantime I’ll just distract myself by rewriting more Taylor Swift songs.


Love these women. Except for Dana/Pam from Beverly Hills. Like seriously, what is up with her? She’s trying to teach her toddler how to speak THAI. There are two things wrong with that. One: how is that going to come in handy in his lifetime, except for when he’s older and he’s ordering a prosty in Bangkok? Two: toddlers can’t even speak ENGLISH when they’re three years old. How is “goo goo ga ga” going to sound any different if it’s in Thai? I mean, toddlers basically just stumble around, bump into things, drool, cry, and poop their pants. Like two-foot-tall Lindsay Lohans.

Enough about Pam, though. Can I just talk about how much I love all the other housewives? I mean, you can forget about DC, obvs. And you can also forget about Miami, if only because it’s responsible for the following person/alien:


In this picture, she’s saying, “No, really, my face looks like this all the time. Please stop dialing 911.”

But then there’s New Jersey, which makes all of my wildest dreams come true. I mean, let’s be real, it’s mostly b/c of Teresa. She’s a paragon of class, poise, charm, manners, and composure:


Like, she’s pretty much my role model.

If I had to pick a fav show, though, it would def be Beverly Hills. It has everything: a crazy druggie [Kim], a gorgeous mean-girl [Kyle], an annoying social-climber [Dana/Pam], an annoying gimp [Brandi], a bitchy Brit [Lisa], a socially-inept bombshell [Camille], a transsexual [Adrienne], and a woman who looks like she has a pair of sea slugs where her lips should be [Taylor, below.]


I mean, besides the fact that Adrienne and her ex-husband basically look like the exact same person, and the fact that Kim’s second-season boyfriend was basically, um, Shrek, this show is pretty much perfect. It’s funny [Kyle and Lisa’s one-liners], melodramatic [Taylor screaming at the limo-driver to pull over just so she can smoke a cig], and super bitchy [Kyle making fun of Brandi’s nipples.]

BUT. Apparently the third season is going to mostly get rid of Camille and make Brandi a full-timer!! Plus we have a whole new housewife, “former model” Yolanda Foster:


I’m guessing she was a hand model?

OK, that’s about it I guess. I mean, I’d talk more about it, but I’m tired. [Like, I just did a Google search of “what would happen if sea slugs ate your lips,” so I think I’m sort of losing it.]


Remember how most people spend the beginning of the summer worrying about getting bikini bodies before beach season? Well, instead of hitting the gym / taking diet pills / getting lipo, Amanda Clark/Emily Thorne spent the beginning of her summer getting waterboarded off the coast of Japan. Jealous?

OK. I get that this was her revenge “training” … but honestly? I don’t think she tried hard enough. Where was the jujitsu course? And the hours of practice crossing off people’s faces in red sharpie? I guess she doesn’t really want this!

But whatevs. There was way more important stuff going on in the Season 2 premiere. Like how the episode began with Amanda at the bottom of the ocean! (The boat. Not the person. Also, that won’t happen for another three months.) And how Daniel has started mourning the loss of his mother the healthy way: by day-drinking! Slashhhh sleeping with Ashley.

P.S. I legit can’t believe Ashley is still even on this show. Like, at this point, all she can really list on her resumé is “adept Blackberry user” and “expert opportunist.” But I guess now that she has her OWN personal assistant, she can’t even list “Blackberry user” anymore! What a seriously useless human.

I am, however, LOVING that Nolan and Emily are now living together.

But back to Nolan and Em. I mean, they’re basically each other’s only real friends, so I’m expecting a lot of braiding each others’ hair, plotting to take down entire corporations, and goofy roommate pranking. (Prank example: Nolan puts on an evening gown and Vicky Grayson mask, ambushes Em as she gets out of the shower, and screams, “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AMANDA!” Emily will pee herself.)

Meanwhile, Jack and Declan are dealing with the fallout of the REAL Emily Thorne being pregnant. (For the sake of simplicity, we’ll give her a nickname: “Prego.”) But WAIT. Is the bebeh really Jack’s?? We’ll find out next week!

Last but not least, there’s Charlotte the druggie, who just got out of rehab. But wait … is she really clean? There are drugs in her system! No … wait … it’s a set-up, because …


I remember calling this way back in May, when I figured she’d just gotten off the plane at the last minute, or it was a setup or whatever, but that was mostly just because I didn’t want to BELIEVE that she was dead. Now my faith has been restored!

But wait. This means she’s just been chillin in some random house, cut off from all her plush furniture and million-dollar cocktails and fabulous art auctions! What’s a beautiful rich woman to DO??? (I mean, to be completely real, she probably just spent the hiatus throwing darts at a picture of Emily, but I still feel bad. Hopefully she at least caught up on the first season of Homeland or something else slightly productive.)

But back to Charlotte being set up. Apparently her dad is trying to get her inheritance away from her to save his company from going under? Um, EXCUSE me?? When did CONRAD become the bitch in this family? He’s legit threatening to steal all of my BFF Vicky’s thunder. She needs to come out of hiding ASAP and put this man in his place.

Oh, and by the way, Emily’s mom is Stacy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And she was in a mental hospital. And she managed to carve a double infinity sign in the side of her hospital bed, despite her arms being tied down by crazy-person straps. Girl has mad telekinesis skills!

ALSO. Vicky Grayson is sending White Haired Man to kill Emily!!!!!

here’s something that i wrote up for the oscars back in feb 2012:

when i was a little baby gay, barely nine-years-old, i used to do a lot of things which would’ve suggested to anyone with a brain that i was going to grow up to be a queen. i played with barbies, i played with “my little pony” toys, and i dressed up like the pink power ranger. later, when i was twelve (in other words, after i had taken sex-ed), i even tried to mate my male pokemon together. the little digitized pokemon-breeder on my screen would be all like “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! You need a ♂ and a ♀ Pokémon! Silly boy!”

but he might as well have been like, “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! It’s against God! Stupid as*hole!”

but there was another tell-tale thing that i did, and i am not at all ashamed to say that i still do it today. i watch the oscars. but here’s my beef with them: love the dresses, love the celebs, hate the ceremony. i even have a few suggestions for how they can make things better.

(1) no lay-person cares about the winners for best editing, best cinematography, etc., right? so what the oscar people should do is hide a little table like fifty feet away from the red carpet where the winners of these categories can pick up their oscars before the ceremony. i mean, if the winners really feel the need to make a big deal about it, then they can tell their acceptance speeches to the E! Online interns who are manning the table.

(2) you know that random dude who narrates the lives of all the winners as they walk up to the stage? you know, “this is Natalie Portman’s second Oscar nomination, and first win?”that guy? yeah, um… why is he so freaking boring? If this were a REAL ceremony, he’d be saying stuff like, “this is the second time that Natalie Portman has slept with the head of the Academy, and the first time that she has blackmailed him into awarding her with the Oscar. “

or instead of “this is Meryl Streep’s seventeenth career nomination, and third career win,” it would be “Meryl Streep owns at everything.”

(3) i only thought of two things. onto the nominees!

  • the help: you know, i was actually taking notes during this movie. after all, i’m probably gonna have to know how to treat my own help one day. but let’s be real, the actual help ratio in my house will be three pool boys to every maid:

me: “a little more to the right, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “yes, sir.”

me: “good. now hang up your speedo to dry, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “but sir! that means i’ll be naked!”


me: “yes.”

  • war horse: so basically this movie is about a horse that gets separated from his master, does a lot of heroic horse stuff, and then finds his master again. but seriously … all the heroic horse stuff he did? SO not worth it. if i were that horse, and i finally got to see my master again, i’d be like, “dude, do you realize how many cannonballs i had to dodge just to get here? like, i broke BOTH of my hooves trying to run across that battlefield to see you. BOTH HOOVES. so if you EVER try to ride me again, i swear to god i will buck you right off of me and poop all over your face.”
  • harry potter: oh wait…THAT’S right…it wasn’t nominated! i hope the academy knows that when they didn’t nominate this movie, a thousand angels died in heaven.
  • extremely loud and incredibly close: that title is basically lindsay lohan on an average weekend night.