Posts Tagged ‘travel’

like most people, i had a few one night stands in college. here is one of them.

the scene: halloween of my junior year in college.

the outfit: “sexy train conductor,” which basically meant i was naked except for some overalls. (the idea was that all oncoming traffic would be conducted into my bed that night.)

the idea worked like a charm. within three minutes of walking into a frat basement, this hot dude in a dress shirt and tie started chatting me up. within three minutes after THAT, he was feeling my biceps. smooth, right? but whatever, it was halloween, so he was probably tipsy. plus, he was a resident at a neuroscience clinic. in my head, that just meant OMG I’M ABOUT TO MAKE OUT WITH DEREK SHEPHERD.

so obvi this was going to go somewhere. after i was forced to look at pictures of his friend’s baby daughter, we marched into the promising darkness and staleness of Frat Row, where he halted in his tracks.

“what?” i asked.

“i forgot my jacket,” said Dr. Shepherd.

“let’s get it tomorrow!” i whined. “my room is two minutes away.”

“no i NEED my jacket,” the doc insisted. “i left it at another party like a mile from here.”

he started walking up to a campus security officer.

“NO!” i screamed, but it was too late. he was asking the campus security guy if he could get a ride to pick up his jacket.

but the officer had to walk inside a frat to do his rounds first, so the doc strutted back to me.

me: “well, i guess this is goodbye then.”

doctor shepherd: “what do you mean?”

me: “i’m underage and i’ve had a few drinks!!! you can’t make me ride with campus security!! that’s like asking anne frank to casually accept a ride from a car full of Nazis!!”

but then he did the HOTTEST thing that anyone’s ever done to me. he lifted me up, thrust me into the security car, and made out with me right there in the middle of frat row.

“Ahem.”

there was the officer, right behind us, clearing his throat.

*****

cut to: the most awkward car ride ever. but that turned out to be a good thing, because that meant that i didn’t say anything, which meant that they didn’t realize i was tipsy, which meant that i didn’t get arrested.

so we finally made it to my room, where Dr. Shepherd squealed in delight after seeing my piano.

“I CAN PLAY FUR ELISE!!!” he proclaimed.

and he did. but since he was tipsy, it sounded more like the piano keys were fighting each other and no one was winning.

then he saw my organic chemistry book and squealed in even greater delight. “omg i LOVE orgo.”

of course he loved orgo.

doc shepherd: “do you have a quiz soon?”

me: “yeah, i have a test in two days.”

doc: “OMG, can i help you study?”

me: “ummmm…..maybe later? can we just, uh…”

i patted the bed.

doc: “oh!! right! i forgot”

then things started heating up.

so many things happened that i can’t write here. but guess what happened when we woke up the next morning? he quizzed me in orgo.

i ended up getting an A-.

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the age: twelve. brink of puberty.

the place: air and space museum camp.

the tagline, if this blog post were to be turned into a movie:

“most people’s first kisses come with butterflies. his came in a bathroom.”

the story:

imagine me as a twelve year old. you probably see a baby-faced fairy princess with sparkly cutoff jean shorts and a “little mermaid” lunchbox.

wrong.

middle school was my awkward pretend-to-be-straight phase. it didn’t work —- i got picked on for having “gay voice” on a regular basis —- but i never relented. i played video games. i wore the blandest outfits i could find. i even tried to like sports.

so anyway, i was at air and space camp, doing my straight thing, hanging out with the guys, when one of the counselors picked up on my “gay voice” and decided to question me about my sexual orientation.

(btw, he was only three years older than me, so it wasn’t weird.)

but anyway, one day he asked me straight up, “are you gay?”

imagine my shock!! i thought i was doing a good job playing it straight! i even purposefully put holes in my wifebeaters so it would look like i didn’t care about my appearance!

me: “no.”

him: “are you bi?”

me: “no!!”

him: “do you want to find out if you are?”

me: “NO!!!”

[pause]

“maybe.”

cut to the end of the day. as all of the other exhausted, ruddy-faced twelve year olds came down from their sugar highs and waited for their parents to pick them up, my camp counselor snuck me away ”to check out one of the new exhibits.” [i knew it was a euphemism, but my curiosity got the best of me.]

guess what the exhibit was? HIS PEE-PEE.

j/k. but almost.he scouted out a bathroom that wasn’t being patrolled by security guards [sketch], and he took me inside. then he told me he was going to show me how to french kiss [soooooo sketch.]

his instructions: ”lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and lick your lips.”

my interpretation: “lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and open your mouth so wide that you look like you’re ready for someone to shove a Big Mac down your throat.”

basically, i was standing with my back to the wall, spread-eagled, squeezing my eyes shut and opening my mouth in a giant OH.

so awkward.

but he went for it anyway. he made out with me, even though i looked like i was ready to get my stomach pumped.

and then, of course, a few seconds after we were done, the door opened and a middle-aged man walked in with his little boy, and suddenly i was playing it cool and strolling over to the urinal.

but that middle-aged man definitely saw what he thought he saw, and what i didn’t want him to see: a small awkward white boy pulling away suddenly from a suave, slightly-older, slightly-sketchy black camp counselor. who knows what he was thinking. drug deal? bathroom brawl? he probably didn’t guess that it was my first kiss.

yup, my first kiss. awkward. unsatisfying. slightly unnerving. kind of like sex with hugh hefner [those poor girls.]

add high school, college, broader shoulders, and eight harry potter movies, and you get: A HOT MESS. congrats, you now understand my life.

get it together

Posted: September 6, 2012 in Is This Real Life?
Tags: , , , , ,

recently i went out on a friday night. nbd, right? normally. but while my betches and I were out being ridic, i stumbled a little bit and swung my hands out to use random gays as support to keep me from falling. most of them didn’t mind, but when i grabbed one gay’s shoulder for support he just SEIZED the back of my head and started making out with me. this was my legit thought process:

WTF IS HAPPENING…oh wait…i’m, like, totally making out with someone right now…wait, is he cute?…OH HELL TO THE NO, THIS DUDE IS NOT CUTE AT ALL.

so i pushed him off of me, and i said “GIRL I’m just trying to WALK right now.”

and omg, that guy just about made my heart break for him. he pulled out his phone and started pretend-texting, and he had the saddest look on his face. it was like i had just told him that someone had assassinated lady gaga, destroyed every existing copy of the wizard of oz, and cancelled the entire real housewives franchise…ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

but seriously? like, just because i have droopy eyelids and my tongue is sort of hanging out of my mouth does NOT mean that i’m trying to seduce you. what it means is that it’s a friday night and i’ve had a few drinks. get it together.