recently, i went on a disney binge and watched hunchback of notre dame, aladdin, and mulan. they’re not my favs [ahem beauty and the beast ahem lion king], but they still got me thinking about all the ways that disney has changed my life
[side-note: this totally just tried to auto-correct “mulan” to “milan.” um WTF ONLINE DICTIONARY YOU BASICALLY JUST SHAT ON WALT DISNEY’S GRAVE.]
anyway, the bottom line is that walt disney has ruined me. forever. obvs i didn’t realize it when i was a cute little baby gay, but my childhood movies were def sending me subliminal messages:
(1) the little mermaid
- what happened: ariel lost her entire ability to speak, but still managed to bag prince eric
- what it taught me: if you’re pretty, then you literally don’t need to say anything and a guy will still want to sleep with you. like, he really doesn’t care if you know anything about politics, health care, or the environment. just smile, giggle, and hair-flip your way into his bed, and you’re set for life. also, it’s totally acceptable to be half-naked 24/7, as long as you find creative substitutes for underwear [in her case, seashells and fish-scales…in my case, leather chaps.]
(2) snow white
- what happened: snow white fell into a suspicious coma, but some totally hot bro made out with her and she woke up
- what it taught me: if you OD on poisonous apples [or … whatever] and fall unconscious, it’s completely fine because you’ll end up getting action anyway. [corollary: it’s totes ok for a guy to make out with you when you’re unconscious.]
- what happened: jasmine and aladdin had their meet-cute, but aladdin was SO fine that jasmine ended up going back to his bedroom literally five minutes after that, even though she didn’t even know his name. they were about to make out, but aladdin got arrested.
- what it taught me: first, it’s totally ok to date a criminal. but most importantly, it’s totally ok to go back to his room before you even introduce yourself. i mean he’s prob going to wind up filthy rich after doing shady stuff with a fat guy who sounds like robin williams, so you can introduce yourself then.
(4) the hunchback of notre dame
- what happened: esmerelda, a gypsy famous for dancing at the festival of fools, ended up shacking up with some tall handsome blonde bro instead of quasimodo
- what it taught me: first, it’s perfectly reasonable to make a living off of pole-dancing for a bunch of drunk poor people once every year. but also, you should always sleep with the hot guy, even if the awk deformed mutant guy is, like, a thousand times more interesting and charming.
- what happened: mulan conned her way into being a national hero, with a little help from a tiny chicken-breasted dragon and a boss cricket.
- what it taught me: cross-dressing is perfectly normal —- heroic, even —- so don’t feel guilty about wearing your mom’s high heels while she’s out lunching with friends. also, it’s not weird at all to have eddie murphy as one of your ancestors even though your family has lived in china for pretty much its entire existence.
- what happened: chica went from broke ho to richest diva in the kingdom in like two seconds, but she freaked the f*ck out at midnight and lost one of her prada pumps when she was running down the staircase
- what it taught me: it’s totally fine if you’re a social climber, but learn how to hold your f*cking liquor. like, don’t drink so much ale that you can’t even hold onto your shoes when you’re ditching that rich dude you almost made out with three seconds ago. walk straight. hold onto the banister. and DON’T. LOSE. YOUR PRADA.