when i was a little baby gay, barely nine-years-old, i used to do a lot of things which would’ve suggested to anyone with a brain that i was going to grow up to be a queen. i played with barbies, i played with “my little pony” toys, and i dressed up like the pink power ranger. later, when i was twelve (in other words, after i had taken sex-ed), i even tried to mate my male pokemon together. the little digitized pokemon-breeder on my screen would be all like “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! You need a ♂ and a ♀ Pokémon! Silly boy!”
but he might as well have been like, “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! It’s against God! Stupid as*hole!”
but there was another tell-tale thing that i did, and i am not at all ashamed to say that i still do it today. i watch the oscars. but here’s my beef with them: love the dresses, love the celebs, hate the ceremony. i even have a few suggestions for how they can make things better.
(1) no lay-person cares about the winners for best editing, best cinematography, etc., right? so what the oscar people should do is hide a little table like fifty feet away from the red carpet where the winners of these categories can pick up their oscars before the ceremony. i mean, if the winners really feel the need to make a big deal about it, then they can tell their acceptance speeches to the E! Online interns who are manning the table.
(2) you know that random dude who narrates the lives of all the winners as they walk up to the stage? you know, “this is Natalie Portman’s second Oscar nomination, and first win?”that guy? yeah, um… why is he so freaking boring? If this were a REAL ceremony, he’d be saying stuff like, “this is the second time that Natalie Portman has slept with the head of the Academy, and the first time that she has blackmailed him into awarding her with the Oscar. “
or instead of “this is Meryl Streep’s seventeenth career nomination, and third career win,” it would be “Meryl Streep owns at everything.”
(3) i only thought of two things. onto the nominees!
- the help: you know, i was actually taking notes during this movie. after all, i’m probably gonna have to know how to treat my own help one day. but let’s be real, the actual help ratio in my house will be three pool boys to every maid:
me: “a little more to the right, ricardo.”
pool-boy: “yes, sir.”
me: “good. now hang up your speedo to dry, ricardo.”
pool-boy: “but sir! that means i’ll be naked!”
- war horse: so basically this movie is about a horse that gets separated from his master, does a lot of heroic horse stuff, and then finds his master again. but seriously … all the heroic horse stuff he did? SO not worth it. if i were that horse, and i finally got to see my master again, i’d be like, “dude, do you realize how many cannonballs i had to dodge just to get here? like, i broke BOTH of my hooves trying to run across that battlefield to see you. BOTH HOOVES. so if you EVER try to ride me again, i swear to god i will buck you right off of me and poop all over your face.”
- harry potter: oh wait…THAT’S right…it wasn’t nominated! i hope the academy knows that when they didn’t nominate this movie, a thousand angels died in heaven.
- extremely loud and incredibly close: that title is basically lindsay lohan on an average weekend night.