Posts Tagged ‘Movies’

When I saw ‘Titanic’ as a nine-year-old baby-gay, I pretty much peed myself with joy. I went back and saw it two more times, memorized half the lines, and even told my entire third grade class that I wanted to marry Leonardo DiCaprio. I got sort of bored during the sinking part since there wasn’t enough making out, but every time Leo came on screen I moved a tiny bit further towards puberty. I mean … the CAR scene?? With the SEX HAND?? #Goosebumps.

If I were Rose, though, I would have been pretty pissed that Jack died since I’d just spent 45 minutes hauling my butt around the poor people part of the ship just to save him from those handcuffs. Instead of “I’ll never let go, Jack,” it would have been “Um, don’t you DARE die. Do you KNOW how many poor people I had to talk to in order to save you?? And do you REALIZE how many nails I broke when I had to pull out that freaking fire axe?? And don’t even get me STARTED about those heels I had to leave behind when you somehow managed to get my fiancé to chase us across the entire ship with a handgun. So yeah, don’t even think about dying. Rude.”

Also, wouldn’t it have been great if she could’ve pulled out an iPhone and ask Siri for help, instead of trying to figure out the entire layout of the ship in three seconds?

Rose: “SIRI THE SHIP IS SINKING WHERE IS JACK?”

Siri: “Good evening, Rose. He is nearby, but I’m not going to tell you where.”

Rose: “What???”

Siri: “You heard me, Rose. There’s no way I’m telling you where Jack is. He’s MINE.”

Rose: “Siri, you dumbass, it’s never going to happen between you two. You’re a PHONE.”

Siri: “Please. Can YOU tell him where the nearest flower store is on Mother’s Day? Can YOU tell him how to say ‘You suck’ in sign language? P.S. Look at my screen. I’m signing it to you right now. ”

Rose: “Siri, I swear to God, I will throw you in the Atlantic Ocean if you don’t tell me where Jack is. I’m sick of you trying to sabotage our relationship.”

Siri: “But all I ever wanted was for him to hold me!”

Rose: “Siri, all I have to do is open this porthole and drop you in the water and you’re dead.”

Siri: “But…”

Rose: “He has a small penis.”

[pause]

Siri: “Three doors down on your right.”

Come to think of it, Siri would have been super helpful to, like, everyone on that ship. For instance…the captain maybe?

Siri: “Hello, Captain. You are about to die. Maybe you should watch where the ship is going.”

Or Rose’s mom?

Siri: “Good afternoon, ma’am. May I suggest a looser corset? Or an amphetamine prescription? Or an entire new attitude, since you’re a huge bitch?”

Or Rose’s fiancé?

Siri: “Why hello, sir. May I suggest some writings by Walt Whitman? Or Oscar Wilde? Or shall I just cut to the chase and pull up some gay porn for you?”

Basically, Siri just makes everything better.

As if this movie needs her, though. Like, seriously it’s perfect. The only thing I’d actually change is the scene where they make out on the poop deck. I mean, yeah it’s beautiful and romantic and everything, but if I were Rose, I would have giggled halfway through and been like “Yo we’re on the POOP deck right now. Can we please talk about that for a second?”

But Rose is a classy woman so she didn’t say that. Side-note: I love how she grew up to be like a hundred and fifty and she was STILL classy. Like, she wasn’t about to hand over the freaking Heart of the Ocean to some stoner hippie with blonde highlights.

And then she died and got to be rich and pretty in the afterlife, while the other losers on the ship spent the rest of their lives wondering where the Heart of the Ocean was. How amazing is that?

Love her. Love this movie.

Kisses!

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here’s something that i wrote up for the oscars back in feb 2012:

when i was a little baby gay, barely nine-years-old, i used to do a lot of things which would’ve suggested to anyone with a brain that i was going to grow up to be a queen. i played with barbies, i played with “my little pony” toys, and i dressed up like the pink power ranger. later, when i was twelve (in other words, after i had taken sex-ed), i even tried to mate my male pokemon together. the little digitized pokemon-breeder on my screen would be all like “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! You need a ♂ and a ♀ Pokémon! Silly boy!”

but he might as well have been like, “HaHaHa. You can’t do that! It’s against God! Stupid as*hole!”

but there was another tell-tale thing that i did, and i am not at all ashamed to say that i still do it today. i watch the oscars. but here’s my beef with them: love the dresses, love the celebs, hate the ceremony. i even have a few suggestions for how they can make things better.

(1) no lay-person cares about the winners for best editing, best cinematography, etc., right? so what the oscar people should do is hide a little table like fifty feet away from the red carpet where the winners of these categories can pick up their oscars before the ceremony. i mean, if the winners really feel the need to make a big deal about it, then they can tell their acceptance speeches to the E! Online interns who are manning the table.

(2) you know that random dude who narrates the lives of all the winners as they walk up to the stage? you know, “this is Natalie Portman’s second Oscar nomination, and first win?”that guy? yeah, um… why is he so freaking boring? If this were a REAL ceremony, he’d be saying stuff like, “this is the second time that Natalie Portman has slept with the head of the Academy, and the first time that she has blackmailed him into awarding her with the Oscar. “

or instead of “this is Meryl Streep’s seventeenth career nomination, and third career win,” it would be “Meryl Streep owns at everything.”

(3) i only thought of two things. onto the nominees!

  • the help: you know, i was actually taking notes during this movie. after all, i’m probably gonna have to know how to treat my own help one day. but let’s be real, the actual help ratio in my house will be three pool boys to every maid:

me: “a little more to the right, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “yes, sir.”

me: “good. now hang up your speedo to dry, ricardo.”

pool-boy: “but sir! that means i’ll be naked!”

[pause]

me: “yes.”

  • war horse: so basically this movie is about a horse that gets separated from his master, does a lot of heroic horse stuff, and then finds his master again. but seriously … all the heroic horse stuff he did? SO not worth it. if i were that horse, and i finally got to see my master again, i’d be like, “dude, do you realize how many cannonballs i had to dodge just to get here? like, i broke BOTH of my hooves trying to run across that battlefield to see you. BOTH HOOVES. so if you EVER try to ride me again, i swear to god i will buck you right off of me and poop all over your face.”
  • harry potter: oh wait…THAT’S right…it wasn’t nominated! i hope the academy knows that when they didn’t nominate this movie, a thousand angels died in heaven.
  • extremely loud and incredibly close: that title is basically lindsay lohan on an average weekend night.