recently i went out on a friday night. nbd, right? normally. but while my betches and I were out being ridic, i stumbled a little bit and swung my hands out to use random gays as support to keep me from falling. most of them didn’t mind, but when i grabbed one gay’s shoulder for support he just SEIZED the back of my head and started making out with me. this was my legit thought process:
WTF IS HAPPENING…oh wait…i’m, like, totally making out with someone right now…wait, is he cute?…OH HELL TO THE NO, THIS DUDE IS NOT CUTE AT ALL.
so i pushed him off of me, and i said “GIRL I’m just trying to WALK right now.”
and omg, that guy just about made my heart break for him. he pulled out his phone and started pretend-texting, and he had the saddest look on his face. it was like i had just told him that someone had assassinated lady gaga, destroyed every existing copy of the wizard of oz, and cancelled the entire real housewives franchise…ALL AT THE SAME TIME.
but seriously? like, just because i have droopy eyelids and my tongue is sort of hanging out of my mouth does NOT mean that i’m trying to seduce you. what it means is that it’s a friday night and i’ve had a few drinks. get it together.