the age: twelve. brink of puberty.
the place: air and space museum camp.
the tagline, if this blog post were to be turned into a movie:
“most people’s first kisses come with butterflies. his came in a bathroom.”
imagine me as a twelve year old. you probably see a baby-faced fairy princess with sparkly cutoff jean shorts and a “little mermaid” lunchbox.
middle school was my awkward pretend-to-be-straight phase. it didn’t work —- i got picked on for having “gay voice” on a regular basis —- but i never relented. i played video games. i wore the blandest outfits i could find. i even tried to like sports.
so anyway, i was at air and space camp, doing my straight thing, hanging out with the guys, when one of the counselors picked up on my “gay voice” and decided to question me about my sexual orientation.
(btw, he was only three years older than me, so it wasn’t weird.)
but anyway, one day he asked me straight up, “are you gay?”
imagine my shock!! i thought i was doing a good job playing it straight! i even purposefully put holes in my wifebeaters so it would look like i didn’t care about my appearance!
him: “are you bi?”
him: “do you want to find out if you are?”
cut to the end of the day. as all of the other exhausted, ruddy-faced twelve year olds came down from their sugar highs and waited for their parents to pick them up, my camp counselor snuck me away ”to check out one of the new exhibits.” [i knew it was a euphemism, but my curiosity got the best of me.]
guess what the exhibit was? HIS PEE-PEE.
j/k. but almost.he scouted out a bathroom that wasn’t being patrolled by security guards [sketch], and he took me inside. then he told me he was going to show me how to french kiss [soooooo sketch.]
his instructions: ”lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and lick your lips.”
my interpretation: “lean your back against the wall, close your eyes, and open your mouth so wide that you look like you’re ready for someone to shove a Big Mac down your throat.”
basically, i was standing with my back to the wall, spread-eagled, squeezing my eyes shut and opening my mouth in a giant OH.
but he went for it anyway. he made out with me, even though i looked like i was ready to get my stomach pumped.
and then, of course, a few seconds after we were done, the door opened and a middle-aged man walked in with his little boy, and suddenly i was playing it cool and strolling over to the urinal.
but that middle-aged man definitely saw what he thought he saw, and what i didn’t want him to see: a small awkward white boy pulling away suddenly from a suave, slightly-older, slightly-sketchy black camp counselor. who knows what he was thinking. drug deal? bathroom brawl? he probably didn’t guess that it was my first kiss.
yup, my first kiss. awkward. unsatisfying. slightly unnerving. kind of like sex with hugh hefner [those poor girls.]
add high school, college, broader shoulders, and eight harry potter movies, and you get: A HOT MESS. congrats, you now understand my life.