so i briefly opened an OK Cupid account last year, and can i just tell you…there were SO MANY DUDS on that site.
for example, one sent me a message that just said “Woof!”
like, wtf was i supposed to say to that?? does that mean he wanted to sniff my crotch and pee on my leg? b/c i’m not super into that scenario
ANYway … i actually have a horror story about online dating, which i will now share with you.
when i was 18, i stayed in san diego for a term to do an internship at a museum and visit family. for the first day or two, i didn’t know anyone in town other than family…so i turned to online dating sites in order to find guys to date. being a dumb 18 year old, i turned to CRAIGSLIST. like, seriously?? i’m incredibly disappointed with my 18 year old self. like, he should have KNOWN that craiglist is not for dating. it’s for hooking up. i mean, it’s an advertising site. so if you post something on there about yourself, then you’re literally advertising yourself. which makes you a whore.
so not surprisingly, within five minutes of posting, i got twenty pictures of dicks. pretty soon, more dicks came. and then some more. within thirty minutes, i had literally a hundred dicks on my computer. big dicks, small dicks, curvy dicks, straight dicks, hard dicks, soft dicks, happy dicks, sad dicks. AND THEY WERE ALL IN FRONT OF MY FACE. suddenly, i understood what it felt like to be lindsay lohan on a friday night.
but there was one picture on my comp which was NOT of a dick. in fact, it was a picture of a super attractive indian guy with a message that said “hey, what’s up? i’m new in town too, wanna grab coffee?”
obvs i said yes, and obvs i was in starbucks the next day in a super cute polo shirt and prep shorts, pretending to read a book but actually checking out everyone in the store.
while i was waiting for my tall handsome date to show up, some 5’2” fugly indian guy with dwight schrute glasses and a star trek t-shirt started walking towards my table. natch, i started to worry. he’s just some random guy asking for directions somewhere, i thought. there’s no way he’s my date. but then, in a horrific epiphany, i realized that the picture he had sent me was that of a bollywood actor.
obviously i was not about to cop to talking to him on craigslist, since i’m morally opposed to fakery, hypocrisy, and talking to fugly guys.
busted bollywood boy: “hey, are you evan?”
bbb: “are you evan? from craigslist?”
me: “i’m sorry, i don’t understand. what is craigslist?”
bbb: “you’re definitely evan.”
me: “hmm..let me think..oh, wait, you said EVAN? yes, that is my name. why?”
bbb: “we spoke on craigslist.”
me: “no, i don’t think WE spoke on craigslist. i was speaking with someone else.”
bbb: “oh, i see whats going on. so you’re saying that you don’t want to talk to me now, because i don’t look like my picture.”
me: “well, unless you have a mask on, and you’re actually that dude from your picture underneath, then yes, you are absolutely correct.”
bbb: “well, i drove thirty minutes to get here, and i’m not just going to let you dismiss me like we’re on the MTV reality show ‘Next.’ you’re going to LISTEN to what i have to say, and you will LIKE my personality.”
bbb: “…and you will LAUGH at my jokes, and you will ENJOY talking about star trek.”
bbb: “because i have a GOOD personality, and you will RESPECT that.”
um, this dude had LEARNED me. obvs, i was going to go through with this date, because not only was i afraid that he was about to flip the table over and dump his coffee on my crotch, but also i was super intrigued by him.
i mean, here was this gay train wreck, all up in my face, learning me and finger-wagging all over the place like he was jennifer hudson in dreamgirls. i’m actually surprised he didn’t start singing “and i am telling you i’m not going”
but seriously, how could i have that happen to me and NOT be like, “this is going to make an amazing story one day, i should probably wait and see what else happens”
part two to come!