walt disney ruined me forever, part two

Posted: September 8, 2012 in Is This Real Life?
Tags: , , , , ,


you didn’t really think i was going to stop at six princesses, did you?

(7) alice in wonderland

  • what happened: alice was having some serious ADD while her sister was reading boring history stuff to her, so she decided to chase after a white rabbit and ended up falling down a hole where she saw all sorts of crazy hallucinatory nonsense. then she took some random food from a talking doorknob and her butt grew like eighty sizes.
  • what it taught me: if you don’t like sitting through a history lecture, then just take some acid and it will keep you busy for the next 90 minutes. also, don’t eat something if you don’t know how many calories are in it, because you’ll probably grow a jean size or eighty.

(8) pocahontas

  • what happened: pocahontas didn’t have any real friends, so instead she hung out with a binge-eating raccoon, a hummingbird, and a talking tree. somehow, she still ended up bagging a tall hot blonde guy.
  • what it taught me: it’s totally fine if you’re socially awkward, as long as you’re super hot. also, it’s perfectly ok to take a dude on a musical romp through the forest for your first date, as long as you spend half of it blankly staring into the wind and showing off your breasts.

(9) sleeping beauty

  • what happened: maleficent cursed aurora when she didn’t get invited to her christening party, so when aurora turned sixteen she pricked her finger on maleficent’s spinning wheel and passed the eff out.
  • what it taught me: if you don’t get invited to a party, you should just kill the person who threw it.

(10) beauty and the beast

  • what happened: the prince got turned into a beast after giving an elderly woman the cold shoulder, but he still got belle to love him after throwing some snowballs at her and then giving her an entire library
  • what it taught me: if a guy is super rich and gives you lots of expensive stuff, then it doesn’t matter if he’s ugly as hell [also see: “things that anna nicole smith taught me.”] but more importantly, you should help every elderly woman that you ever see in your entire life.
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