busted bollywood boy, part two

Posted: September 4, 2012 in Is This Real Life?
Tags: , , , , , ,

note: this post is basically just a transcription of my conversation with busted bollywood boy. obviously i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have reproduced it to the best of my knowledge.

*****

let’s pick up where i left off!

so here i was, in the middle of starbucks, with a gay train wreck wagging his finger at me and jabbering about star trek.

after a minute or so of that mess, i had just about had enough.

but right as i was about to call 911, he put his finger away, calmed down, and finished his rant. for about ten seconds, neither of us said a word…until finally i sighed, motioned to the other chair, took a sip from my coffee, and started our date.

*****

me: “so what do you do?”

busted bollywood boy: “i’m an I.T. guy.”

me: “do you like the people in your office?”

busted bollywood boy: “yeah, for the most part. except for the lesbian accountant.”

me: “why?”

bbb: “i DESPISE her. i think her lesbian actions are sinful, and i think she’s going to hell.”

me: “wait, so you’re saying that being a lesbian is sinful?”

bbb: “yes.”

me: “and you don’t see any irony in that?”

bbb: “no.”

[pause]

me: “…so you don’t even like listening to melissa etheridge songs?”

bbb: “well, sometimes. but while we’re on topic, you should probably also know that i hate bisexuals.”

me: “wait, are you one of those people who doesn’t think they exist?”

bbb: “no, i know they exist, and i hate them. they’re all monsters.”

me: “like, voldemort-style monsters? as in, they’re super smart and evil? or do you mean they’re more like sea monsters and cyclops…like, super destructive but also kind of stupid?”

bbb: “i mean, they’re monsters in the sense that they CONSUME everything. boys, girls, they just want it ALL.”

[at this point, some rando from another table decides to butt in.]

rando: “excuse me, i’d just like to say that i’m bisexual and i’m NOT a monster.”

me: “i’m so sorry. i don’t actually know this guy.”

rando: “right. i’ve heard that one before.”

me: “no, i’m serious. i literally just met him.”

rando: “yeah, ok, whatever bitch.”

[i decide against getting into an argument, and turn away from the rando]

me: “so this is a fun topic. what other things do you hate?”

bbb: “black people.”

me: “are you serious right now?”

bbb: “they’re all monkeys.”

me: “monkeys?”

bbb: “yes, like the kind that throws sh*t at people.”

me: “no, i know what monkeys are, but…”

bbb: “their music gives me headaches and their tv shows make me nauseous.”

me: “wait, what black tv shows do you watch?”

bbb: “star trek: deep space nine.”

[pause]

bbb: “so what do you hate?”

me: “running out of soap, forgetting to bring my coupons to the grocery store, and waiting for the new season of true blood.”

bbb: “no, i meant, like, what races and ethnicities do you hate?”

[pause]

me: “none, but i hate you.”

bbb: “i’m not an ethnicity.”

me: “i don’t care.”

[pause]

bbb: “i like you.”

me: “seriously?”

bbb: “yeah. do you wanna f*ck after this?”

me: “sure! we could put on babyface and cuddle till morning. i don’t have to work tomorrow.”

bbb: “wait, really?”

me: “no. you disgust me.”

bbb: “can i at least give you a ride home?”

me: “no, i’m good.”

bbb: “but the buses aren’t running right now! and didn’t you say you were staying far away from here?”

me: “yes.”

bbb: “so you’d rather walk by yourself for forty minutes than get in the car with me for five minutes?”

me: “that is correct.”

bbb: “okay. well, goodnight.”

me: “goodnight.”

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