I went to Nashville once when I was in high school. I didn’t get to spend too much time in the city, but I did get a chance to stop by the Grand Ole Opry and catch a show. That’s the good news. The bad news is that the show was the Rockettes’ Holiday Spectacular, which basically means that a hundred women were doing the can-can and exposing their vaginas to my face. I’m sure that would be awesome if I were, like, Melissa Etheridge — but I’m not, so it was instead just extremely traumatic.
Speaking of exposed vaginas, whatttt is up with Juliette on Nashville? She was just waving her vag around on stage in that skirt like it was NBD! I mean, it’d be fine if she were BritBrit, or Xtina, or any other sexy pop diva, but this is a country singer. Female country singers — especially Taylor Swift-aged female country singers, like Juliette — are supposed to be wholesome, family-oriented paragons of virginity. But this girl is just … whoa. It’s like the show’s writer and producers brainstormed what it would be like if Taylor Swift replaced all her evening gowns with micro skirts and spent all her time giving handies in truck stop bathrooms.
Maybe I’m just giving Juliette a hard time. I mean, to be fair, her mom is essentially Dina Lohan. But it’s still really difficult for me to like her, because she spent the entirety of the episode jumping from bed to bed and flirting with guys by dropping lines like this:
[after bumping into some dude]: “We should try that again sometime, only slower.”
Like, yeah, I get it. There are plenty of guys I see that I’d like to grind in slo-mo with. If I had it my way, I would spend my entire life just walking around the grocery store slo-mo humping every dude I see. But life doesn’t work that way. Get it together.
Obviously, Julieete wasn’t the only important character in the series premiere. There was also Rayna, an aging diva with a put-upon hubby who’s running for mayor. She also has a romantic history with her band’s guitarist, whose niece coincidentally happens to be a much better singer than Juliette. (P.S. His niece happens to be dating that guy whom Slutface bumped into, although she might have latent feelings for her singer/songwriter coworker.)
Got that? If you can’t keep up, then take some Xanax and I promise this entire recap will be the best thing you’ve ever read whether you understand what’s happening or not. (P.S. So will everything else you read.)
Anyway, Rayna is sort of tired of seeing Juliette’s vag everywhere, so she refused to co-headline a tour with her and even ended a long-standing relationship with her record company because they were pushing her to do the tour. So now she has to sign on with another label or start her own. Honestly, I think it would be much easier if she just took a page out of Juliette’s book and slept with the record label exec, but whatevs.
Also, Grand Ole Vagina’s dad is kind of a douche. In addition to accusing her of “embarrassing” her husband by making him stay at home and take care of the kids, he made an incendiary allegation about her daughter and essentially manipulated everyone to amass more power for himself.
I think that’s about it! I’m sort of excited to see whether Rayna and Juliette ever get into it and have a legit cat fight, but in the meantime I’ll just distract myself by rewriting more Taylor Swift songs.