When I saw ‘Titanic’ as a nine-year-old baby-gay, I pretty much peed myself with joy. I went back and saw it two more times, memorized half the lines, and even told my entire third grade class that I wanted to marry Leonardo DiCaprio. I got sort of bored during the sinking part since there wasn’t enough making out, but every time Leo came on screen I moved a tiny bit further towards puberty. I mean … the CAR scene?? With the SEX HAND?? #Goosebumps.
If I were Rose, though, I would have been pretty pissed that Jack died since I’d just spent 45 minutes hauling my butt around the poor people part of the ship just to save him from those handcuffs. Instead of “I’ll never let go, Jack,” it would have been “Um, don’t you DARE die. Do you KNOW how many poor people I had to talk to in order to save you?? And do you REALIZE how many nails I broke when I had to pull out that freaking fire axe?? And don’t even get me STARTED about those heels I had to leave behind when you somehow managed to get my fiancé to chase us across the entire ship with a handgun. So yeah, don’t even think about dying. Rude.”
Also, wouldn’t it have been great if she could’ve pulled out an iPhone and ask Siri for help, instead of trying to figure out the entire layout of the ship in three seconds?
Rose: “SIRI THE SHIP IS SINKING WHERE IS JACK?”
Siri: “Good evening, Rose. He is nearby, but I’m not going to tell you where.”
Siri: “You heard me, Rose. There’s no way I’m telling you where Jack is. He’s MINE.”
Rose: “Siri, you dumbass, it’s never going to happen between you two. You’re a PHONE.”
Siri: “Please. Can YOU tell him where the nearest flower store is on Mother’s Day? Can YOU tell him how to say ‘You suck’ in sign language? P.S. Look at my screen. I’m signing it to you right now. ”
Rose: “Siri, I swear to God, I will throw you in the Atlantic Ocean if you don’t tell me where Jack is. I’m sick of you trying to sabotage our relationship.”
Siri: “But all I ever wanted was for him to hold me!”
Rose: “Siri, all I have to do is open this porthole and drop you in the water and you’re dead.”
Rose: “He has a small penis.”
Siri: “Three doors down on your right.”
Come to think of it, Siri would have been super helpful to, like, everyone on that ship. For instance…the captain maybe?
Siri: “Hello, Captain. You are about to die. Maybe you should watch where the ship is going.”
Or Rose’s mom?
Siri: “Good afternoon, ma’am. May I suggest a looser corset? Or an amphetamine prescription? Or an entire new attitude, since you’re a huge bitch?”
Or Rose’s fiancé?
Siri: “Why hello, sir. May I suggest some writings by Walt Whitman? Or Oscar Wilde? Or shall I just cut to the chase and pull up some gay porn for you?”
Basically, Siri just makes everything better.
As if this movie needs her, though. Like, seriously it’s perfect. The only thing I’d actually change is the scene where they make out on the poop deck. I mean, yeah it’s beautiful and romantic and everything, but if I were Rose, I would have giggled halfway through and been like “Yo we’re on the POOP deck right now. Can we please talk about that for a second?”
But Rose is a classy woman so she didn’t say that. Side-note: I love how she grew up to be like a hundred and fifty and she was STILL classy. Like, she wasn’t about to hand over the freaking Heart of the Ocean to some stoner hippie with blonde highlights.
And then she died and got to be rich and pretty in the afterlife, while the other losers on the ship spent the rest of their lives wondering where the Heart of the Ocean was. How amazing is that?
Love her. Love this movie.
- What Siri Thinks of Your Favorite Movies [Humor] (gizmodo.com)