note: this post is basically just a transcription of my conversation with busted bollywood boy. obviously i don’t remember the conversation word for word, but i have reproduced it to the best of my knowledge.
*****
let’s pick up where i left off!
so here i was, in the middle of starbucks, with a gay train wreck wagging his finger at me and jabbering about star trek.
after a minute or so of that mess, i had just about had enough.
but right as i was about to call 911, he put his finger away, calmed down, and finished his rant. for about ten seconds, neither of us said a word…until finally i sighed, motioned to the other chair, took a sip from my coffee, and started our date.
*****
me: “so what do you do?”
busted bollywood boy: “i’m an I.T. guy.”
me: “do you like the people in your office?”
busted bollywood boy: “yeah, for the most part. except for the lesbian accountant.”
me: “why?”
bbb: “i DESPISE her. i think her lesbian actions are sinful, and i think she’s going to hell.”
me: “wait, so you’re saying that being a lesbian is sinful?”
bbb: “yes.”
me: “and you don’t see any irony in that?”
bbb: “no.”
[pause]
me: “…so you don’t even like listening to melissa etheridge songs?”
bbb: “well, sometimes. but while we’re on topic, you should probably also know that i hate bisexuals.”
me: “wait, are you one of those people who doesn’t think they exist?”
bbb: “no, i know they exist, and i hate them. they’re all monsters.”
me: “like, voldemort-style monsters? as in, they’re super smart and evil? or do you mean they’re more like sea monsters and cyclops…like, super destructive but also kind of stupid?”
bbb: “i mean, they’re monsters in the sense that they CONSUME everything. boys, girls, they just want it ALL.”
[at this point, some rando from another table decides to butt in.]
rando: “excuse me, i’d just like to say that i’m bisexual and i’m NOT a monster.”
me: “i’m so sorry. i don’t actually know this guy.”
rando: “right. i’ve heard that one before.”
me: “no, i’m serious. i literally just met him.”
rando: “yeah, ok, whatever bitch.”
[i decide against getting into an argument, and turn away from the rando]
me: “so this is a fun topic. what other things do you hate?”
bbb: “black people.”
me: “are you serious right now?”
bbb: “they’re all monkeys.”
me: “monkeys?”
bbb: “yes, like the kind that throws sh*t at people.”
me: “no, i know what monkeys are, but…”
bbb: “their music gives me headaches and their tv shows make me nauseous.”
me: “wait, what black tv shows do you watch?”
bbb: “star trek: deep space nine.”
[pause]
bbb: “so what do you hate?”
me: “running out of soap, forgetting to bring my coupons to the grocery store, and waiting for the new season of true blood.”
bbb: “no, i meant, like, what races and ethnicities do you hate?”
[pause]
me: “none, but i hate you.”
bbb: “i’m not an ethnicity.”
me: “i don’t care.”
[pause]
bbb: “i like you.”
me: “seriously?”
bbb: “yeah. do you wanna f*ck after this?”
me: “sure! we could put on babyface and cuddle till morning. i don’t have to work tomorrow.”
bbb: “wait, really?”
me: “no. you disgust me.”
bbb: “can i at least give you a ride home?”
me: “no, i’m good.”
bbb: “but the buses aren’t running right now! and didn’t you say you were staying far away from here?”
me: “yes.”
bbb: “so you’d rather walk by yourself for forty minutes than get in the car with me for five minutes?”
me: “that is correct.”
bbb: “okay. well, goodnight.”
me: “goodnight.”
recently i went out on a friday night. nbd, right? normally. but while my betches and I were out being ridic, i stumbled a little bit and swung my hands out to use random gays as support to keep me from falling. most of them didn’t mind, but when i grabbed one gay’s shoulder for support he just SEIZED the back of my head and started making out with me. this was my legit thought process:
Forever 22 