Remember how most people spend the beginning of the summer worrying about getting bikini bodies before beach season? Well, instead of hitting the gym / taking diet pills / getting lipo, Amanda Clark/Emily Thorne spent the beginning of her summer getting waterboarded off the coast of Japan. Jealous?
OK. I get that this was her revenge “training” … but honestly? I don’t think she tried hard enough. Where was the jujitsu course? And the hours of practice crossing off people’s faces in red sharpie? I guess she doesn’t really want this!
But whatevs. There was way more important stuff going on in the Season 2 premiere. Like how the episode began with Amanda at the bottom of the ocean! (The boat. Not the person. Also, that won’t happen for another three months.) And how Daniel has started mourning the loss of his mother the healthy way: by day-drinking! Slashhhh sleeping with Ashley.
P.S. I legit can’t believe Ashley is still even on this show. Like, at this point, all she can really list on her resumé is “adept Blackberry user” and “expert opportunist.” But I guess now that she has her OWN personal assistant, she can’t even list “Blackberry user” anymore! What a seriously useless human.
I am, however, LOVING that Nolan and Emily are now living together.
But back to Nolan and Em. I mean, they’re basically each other’s only real friends, so I’m expecting a lot of braiding each others’ hair, plotting to take down entire corporations, and goofy roommate pranking. (Prank example: Nolan puts on an evening gown and Vicky Grayson mask, ambushes Em as she gets out of the shower, and screams, “I KNOW WHO YOU ARE, AMANDA!” Emily will pee herself.)
Meanwhile, Jack and Declan are dealing with the fallout of the REAL Emily Thorne being pregnant. (For the sake of simplicity, we’ll give her a nickname: “Prego.”) But WAIT. Is the bebeh really Jack’s?? We’ll find out next week!
Last but not least, there’s Charlotte the druggie, who just got out of rehab. But wait … is she really clean? There are drugs in her system! No … wait … it’s a set-up, because …
VICKY GRAYSON IS ALIVE! YES!
I remember calling this way back in May, when I figured she’d just gotten off the plane at the last minute, or it was a setup or whatever, but that was mostly just because I didn’t want to BELIEVE that she was dead. Now my faith has been restored!
But wait. This means she’s just been chillin in some random house, cut off from all her plush furniture and million-dollar cocktails and fabulous art auctions! What’s a beautiful rich woman to DO??? (I mean, to be completely real, she probably just spent the hiatus throwing darts at a picture of Emily, but I still feel bad. Hopefully she at least caught up on the first season of Homeland or something else slightly productive.)
But back to Charlotte being set up. Apparently her dad is trying to get her inheritance away from her to save his company from going under? Um, EXCUSE me?? When did CONRAD become the bitch in this family? He’s legit threatening to steal all of my BFF Vicky’s thunder. She needs to come out of hiding ASAP and put this man in his place.
Oh, and by the way, Emily’s mom is Stacy from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. And she was in a mental hospital. And she managed to carve a double infinity sign in the side of her hospital bed, despite her arms being tied down by crazy-person straps. Girl has mad telekinesis skills!
ALSO. Vicky Grayson is sending White Haired Man to kill Emily!